What to say
when you don't know what to say
This past week I gave three book talks about my memoir, Breath Taking. My favorite part of these conversations is always the Q&A. I love finding out what’s resonating with readers and where people want to dig deeper.
Without fail, there are two questions I’m always asked…one that I don’t want to answer, and one that I could talk about for hours.
The first question: “How are your other two kids doing now?” My other two kids are 17 and 22. Dalia was right in between them. My answer goes something like this, “It’s complicated.”
What I mean by that is, “it’s their story to tell.” I’m not sure what people want to hear when they ask me that question. Do they want to know that my other kids are functioning? That they’re trying to figure out who they are in a world without their sister? That they are who they are in large part because of her? All that’s true, of course. But the nuances and the context are theirs to share if and how they want to.
The other question I get asked every time is “How can I help a friend who’s grieving?” I have so much to say on this one that I’m giving a TEDx Talk about grief literacy this month. I feel so passionately about it not only because I’ve been grieving for more than half my life — ever since my sister died — but also because I’ve been the person who has no idea what to say in the face of someone else’s loss.
Back in high-school, my friend’s little sister died. I obsessed about what to say to her. She was the first person I knew to experience death up close, and I didn’t want to get it wrong. My other friend got to her first and said, “This just totally sucks.” I was mortified on that friend’s behalf. “This just totally sucks?” But now I know that was actually a great thing to say, so validating. She was acknowledging the universal truth that grief sucks.
And as grievers, that’s what we want most, not to be cheered up, or “fixed,” or told how strong we are. We want to feel seen. We want our pain to be acknowledged.
So how can you support your grieving friend?
Don’t just do something, sit there. Sit with your friend in their pain. Listen to their stories. Keep showing up because grief doesn’t have an expiration date.
Share stories about their person. And if you don’t have stories to share, ask about their person. Don’t worry that you’re “reminding them of their loss.” They haven’t forgotten. We want to talk about our people.
Send pictures or videos if you have them. It’s one of the only ways we can make new memories with our person.
Don’t say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” The griever has enough going on without trying to figure out what you can do. Instead, be specific. Offer to pick up their kids or mow their lawn. Bring dinner. Send a food gift card.
Write down key dates in your calendar – the person’s birthday and the day they died, for example. Reach out to your friend on those days even if years have passed. It can be just as hard for your friend in year 3 as it is in year 1.
Invite your friend out for coffee or a hike or whatever you’ve done together in the past. And don’t be insulted if your friend declines. Keep inviting them. We want to feel included even if we don’t want to get out of our pajamas or leave our house.
What would you add?
Corners of Beauty
It’s been a heavy week. (Really it’s been a heavy year decade.) If you’ve read Breath Taking, you know that I try to find or create corners of beauty, no matter how dark things are. In that spirit, here are three corners of beauty from the last few days.
Nicole is part of the writers salon I host in Boston. Her writing is stunning, and the advance reviews agree. “Bringing a fresh feminist voice and a canny yet open-hearted perspective to such issues as infertility, anti-sexist parenting, and the arrival of middle age, Lipson has written the book we've all been wanting, waiting, and needing to read" (Megan Marshall, Pulitzer Prize-winning author of Margaret Fuller: A New American Life). It’s available for pre-order now.
I made a playlist of the songs that carried me through the different phases of my book. You can download it on Spotify here.
And of course, if you’re looking for a book to curl up with as the temps creep downward, get Breath Taking here.
Thanks so much for being part of this community.
With grit and grace,
Jessie
This list should be posted at every funeral home, hospital, hospice, school, church. Clear and concise and effective. Thank you!